He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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