In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
