I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
