i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
