I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
