I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
