i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
