apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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