why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
