I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
