If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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