Im at strip club and am horny
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
