I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
