So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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