I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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