my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
