There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
