I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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