I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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