We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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