I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
