I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
