Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
