Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
