Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This baby is an asshole
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
