my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
