i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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