you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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