She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
