I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
