just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
