Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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