Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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