when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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