i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
