i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
