he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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