just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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