I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
