haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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