Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
