On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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