Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
