Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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