im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
