My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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