Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
