Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
