Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so that wasnt chicken after all
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
pop tarts are not kleenex
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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