then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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