my sisters under your porch take her home
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
