what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
