Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
