Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
