I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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