Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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